Cheng Su awoke with a start several times during the night, each time staring unblinkingly at the pitch-black ceiling seeing nothing, and she could always recall the sight of blood seeping through her pants that day.
It was her blood, her childâs blood, and it seemed as though she could still hear her childâs cries.
"Whatâs wrong?" Hearing sobs, Qi Taiguo woke up and pulled the light cord.
Cheng Su buried her face in his chest and began to cry.
"What on earth is wrong? Are you not feeling well somewhere?" Qi Taiguo said, becoming very anxious and ready to peel back the bedding to check.
Cheng Su shook her head and said, "No, itâs not that, I... Iâm just thinking about the child."
Qi Taiguoâs hand stiffened, and he asked, "Why on earth are you thinking about this now?"
He felt a sourness in his heart, and it was unbearable.
"I just think, if I had been more careful, more cautious, maybe we wouldnât have lost him." Cheng Su cried.
"You didnât know you were pregnant, right? Didnât the doctor say it had only been a little over a month? Before, youâve also had late periods; donât blame yourself. This child wasnât meant to be with us at this time; we have no connection to him. He will definitely come in the future," Qi Taiguo consoled her.
Cheng Su nodded and it took a good while before her crying stopped.
"Iâm thinking, when I feel a bit better in a few days, I want to go to the temple to hold a ritual to help him reincarnate. Will you come with me?" Cheng Su spoke, nestled in his embrace.
Qi Taiguo hummed in agreement: "Thereâs no rush for that. Wait until youâve recovered more before we go."
As long as it could provide her some peace of mind, he was willing to do anything.
Only then did Cheng Su feel at ease. Now that she couldnât sleep, she might as well talk with him.
"I never believed in all of this before, but then..." Cheng Su recalled her own bizarre transmigration and said, "After that, I had no choice but to believe there is a heavenâs will in this world."
"Thatâs why you shouldnât overthink it. The child is definitely doing well in another world," Qi Taiguo said.
Cheng Su said nothing. She too had traversed to this world as a soul. What about the child who had just formed an embryo? Missing out on this life, would he be born into a better family?
"Letâs continue to sleep, okay? Youâre too preoccupied; if you canât sleep well, you wonât be able to recover," Qi Taiguo said.
Cheng Su nodded and suddenly grabbed his hand to ask, "Taiguo, Chiang Qing, is she really a schizophrenic?"
"Why bring up such a person?" Qi Taiguoâs hand paused as he was about to pull the light cord.
"I just feel itâs too frightening." Feeling both fear and regret, Cheng Su said, "Do you think if I hadnât provoked her, she might still be normal, wouldnât have attracted attention from her family, and this wouldnât have happened?"
The butterfly effect, probably just like that, anything has an initial butterfly that first fluttered its wings.
Qi Taiguo chuckled and said, "If thatâs the case, the one who should be blamed most is me. If I didnât exist in this world, none of this wouldâve happened. The logic is the same."
"This..."
"Listen, no oneâs to blame here. If we must blame someone, then blame her parents for not raising her properly. Blame her for holding on too tightly to her obsessions, which led to the current situation. When a person is too obsessed, even if we do nothing, she would still end up pushing herself to the edge of a cliff, and might even fall off. Do you understand?" Qi Taiguo pressed her lips and said, "So donât blame yourself. I wonât allow it. Now sleep."
Click, the light went out, and the room returned to darkness.
With her eyes half open, Cheng Su contemplated obsessionâthe insistence on clinging to something without letting go, the inability to transcend. When obsessed, there would be resentments. Only by letting go of the obsession can one find ease. Otherwise, it would bind them.
And Chiang Qing, would she let go?